Soft Stud Confusion

Hi,

I'm currently in a lesbian relationship with a women that I adore for over a year and this is my first relationship ever and im 25 y/o. Ive always dated men but never got too serious so when I finally got into this serious relationship sometimes I question if im really gay.  We live together after meeting at school and were roommates and thats were are relationship grew. At first it was just me being very curious and feeling like there had to be more out there sexually that I wasn't receiving from a man so I tried it . Then I felt the emotional bond growing between us and I felt like I couldnt go one day without this girl but now all we do is argue and she doesn't trust me. I've never cheated on her. Everytime I want to go somewhere by myself its a problem, she likes to be up under me all the time. I'm a femme and she a soft stud by I find myself playing the more masculine role ,she even calls me daddy (not just in a sexual manner) but frequently and I find it weird sometimes. She makes me feel like a dude and I'm much so a femme.  Should we switch roles or should I accept my soft stud who dresses in male clothing but loves getting strapped. Another thing is I don't really like penetration. She had told me her friend think I'm straight. I'm so confused.

HI!

Thank you for taking the time to write. I appreciate you. 

Whether you are in a straight or lesbian relationship, it is never good to not feel trusted. It may sound cliche, but if you do not have trust then it is very difficult to have a healthy relationship. You are young, there is no reason not to be happy. 

I want to point out just because someone dresses a certain way (femme or masculine whatever that means to you) that does not determine their sexuality. I think that you are stereotyping her. She should be allowed to dress less form fitting (not masculine because she is not a man and probably doesn't want to be one) and be allowed to experience sex any way that she and her partner feels comfortable. It is not weird at all. Heck, some think that two women sleeping together in anyway is weird no matter what. It seems like you just might want a woman who is more aggressive than she is sexually. It would be a mistake to make her feel uncomfortable because she chooses to be this way. If you do not feeling like a "dude" then tell her. It is simple. 

Also, you can be lesbian and not like penetration. I understand it and know many couples who prefer not to penetrate each other. There is such a broad spectrum in this life. Don't get so consumed with labels and stereotypes. Every relationship is different. Embrace them.

 

XOXO Honey Bii

Ingrown Hairs

I just watched your absolutely 100% amazing youtube video on this subject. I am mixed race with thick curly hair, my mum is white so she hasn't got this problem however for me I do. I shave and I get bad ingrown hairs about 5 days after shaving! Can you give me the best idea on what I should do, I have tried waxing but I also came out in ingrown hairs! Thank you



I think that the best thing that you can do is use an electric trimmer. Those work the best when waxing and shaving causes issues. Make sure to get the ingrown hairs out. They will only continue to get worse. I suggest that you use a needle to gently get them from under the surface. When you do that DON'T pluck them. Let the skin around heal, then trim the hair down.
XOXO 


Thank you soo much for replying, I have been looking for a cure for ages! I heard you say you have 'and awesome bikini line' how do you do it? What do you use, and do! I have a epilator with a trimming bit to put on it should I use that!? 

I personally use an electric clipper. That works best for me. It gets it nice and close without irritation. 

XOXO Honey Bii

Light Vs Dark

I am a proud African American women however I am what we in the African American community would call light skinned. I do not feel I am all that light though I refer to myself as more caramel than light but this has been an issue for me my whole life but only when it comes to dealing with women in my community. During grade school I would constantly be picked on for not being dark enough to be all black that I must be mixed with either white and/or Spanish, I always had to and still to this day try to prove to people that I am not mixed and 100% black and proud. I would go to great lengths to not "look" mixed my hair happens to be very curly naturally and long so I would relax my hair to make it look more along their norms of how a black girls hair should look I would NEVER wear out out our in its natural state since that seemed to be the biggest thing people would point out as to why I must have been mixed  and not possibly all black. I always felt every uncomfortable around black girls at that time because they did not accept me all because of the way I looked however being young I could not understand why and the history behind it all. Fast forward I am now I 31 year old women and have been natural for over 10 years but I still encounter the same issues with women who are susposed to be my sisters, when I walk into a room with all black women I get look as if they are wondering what I am and they are very stand offish at first until someone ask me "what are you mixed with?" And when I say I"m not most of the time they don't believe me but it does open up a line of communication.  So I guess my question is why as black women we can not seem to just except each other for who we are why is there is issue with the color of our skin ? No matter the shade black is black lighter doesn't mean your better and darker doesn't mean you are any more black then the next sister, sometimes I feel like we are our own worst enemy, how can we expect others to accept us for who we are and what we bring to the table and not for our outside appearances if we don't do it for ourselves ? I know the long time issue has been the plight of our dark-skinned sisters issues but we as lighter - skinned sisters don't have it any better in most situations when out comes to dealing with our own people also so I just wanted to pick your brain so to speak, and get your thoughts on this issue, have you heard of this before, how do you think it compares if at all to the issue of our darker skinned sisters, do you think being lighter is easier in certain situations ? But most importantly why do you feel we are so unaccepting of each other as women.

I thank you in advance for your response and keep doing what you are doing it's great.

I think that this is an issue that can have so many layers to it. I agree, we can be so cruel to each other. What really stuck out to me is the way that it still affects you. I think that you can actually use this energy to have a very positive impact on people. :)

I think that as a whole, black women have been oppressed. Scratch that... I know that we have. So, in turn we did what essentially has been does to us. Discriminate. It is so easy to make fun of each other than to actually unite. I know that as dark skinned I can relate to all the hate, but the opposite affect. One of the phrases that really bug me is, "You are so pretty for a dark skinned woman". Really? Like dark skinned women aren't?

I think that the media and the way that we let it guide us has a lot to do with our issues. Look at the way the media portrays women in general.

We could discuss this until we turn blue in the face. There are millions of reasons why. My question to you is how do we make it better. What steps can we go through to make sure that this stops?

XOXO Honey Bii

I Am Cheating With A Woman

Hello.  Just would like to say that I really enjoy reading your blogs.  There was one that caught my eye which was 'I'm married but in love with a woman'...or something to that affect.  It caught my eye because I'm in a similar situation. Sort of. I'm a 36 year old black woman who has been married to a man. We've been together for almost 20yrs . We have kids together. I never imagined being with a woman. Never even thought about it. Until I saw her. She was at a party of a mutual friend and we sorta just clicked. No numbers was exchanged, only friend request through FB...anyway, we got to know one another. We talked and talked. She's what I would call an aggressive femme. To make a long story short, I've been seeing her for almost a year. She knows I'm married and she's single. She never asked me to leave my husband. She said that's something she would never do. I know that I love her. And it's a different type of love of what I have for my husband. Very different. I know what I'm doing is sooo wrong on so many levels but I don't want her out of my life and she feels the same about me. I don't know if I'm telling you my story for advice purposes or just to vent. I just like your blogs. Have a good one. 

XOXO Honey Bii 

Bisexual

Dear Honey Bii,

I am a woman that is attracted to women, but I don't know how to meet them.   I identify as bi-sexual because I still do find men attractive. I've tried being on downelink but because I identify as bi-sexual the lesbian community seems to look down on that.  I am the type person that only dates one person at a time regardless.  (I've never actually been with a woman intimately).  Not only that, I don't sleep around period.  It has been almost a year since I've been intimate and that is because I'm not in a relationship nor have I gotten close enough with anyone that I would consider it serious enough to sleep with.  Why does the lesbian community think that a bisexual woman can't be faithful?  How do I go about meeting a woman without hitting the club scene?  Should I just say that I am a lesbian to avoid the drama?  Please help...Thanks

XOXO Honey Bii 

Spirit Day 2011

Join @FindingNaj and I tonight @9pm EST for our 1st live broadcast. http://www.ustream.tv/user/GayLifeDecoded

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XOXO Honey Bii

Don't Ask Don't Tell

XOXO Honey Bii

Advice From Elders

XOXO Honey Bii

Don't Do It

Hey girl lol, 

I am subscribed to you on youtube, and absolutely love what you are doing. Every video is super encouraging keep it up. Well I was watching your video titled "Is Being Gay A Sin" and it made me wonder how did you get over the fact that in the bible it says being gay is a sin? As much as I love God and go to church, in the back of my mind I feel like I am still going to hell just because I am gay.  

HIII! :) Thanks so much for seeing my vision. I try to stay positive. It's not enough of us out here. So here is the deal. I do not believe that I am going to a "hell" or be damned for the way that I am living my life. It is a part of me. It is in my heart. I love God. I have faith. I am a child of God. I however, am not an avid church goer. That's for different reasons that will take an entirely different email. I believe that if you take one part, scripture, or text then you will be confused on the message that God gives us. As I detailed in my video there are a lot of double standards in the Bible. If you take it literal then .00000000005% of people are living according to the text. That is basically no one. I have never met a perfect person. I have never met someone who has never lied or cheated. With that being said, I don't think that for the sake of making myself feel comfortable can I just state, "There is no one perfect". My message is do what feels right. If you feel as if living your lifestyle is in conflict with your love of God or interfering with you as a Christian then don't do it. Date men. 

XOXO Honey Bii

Journey's

Relationship advice

XOXO Honey Bii

THANK YOU

Thanks for being a part of my extended family!!!!!!

XOXO Honey Bii 

HELP

Dear Honey Bii, 


Hey, okay so I definitely need advice .. I'm 18 just graduated high school & my girlfriend is 18 also buuut she didnt graduate lol she actually hasn't made it past the 10th grade yet -_- but besides that , we been together for 5 months now an one i still have STRONG feelings for my ex and two I just really don't wanna be with her anymore because she's crazy .. She calls me every 5 minutes if I don't answer she swears I'm cheating an then she thinks I'm suppose to text her as soon as I get her text like I don't have a life of my own so when I express this to her she says I'm being selfish and all I care about is myself. And she's always comparing me to her ex boyfriends and girlfriend like bad enough shes bi but now I have to be compared ? Ugh !  so like i don't know how to leave her .. In a nice way lol ! 

This is pretty simple. You are only 18 years old. Why would you be wasting your time on anyone who is not worthy of it? There will be plenty of people to be tied down to in a relationship with. There is no easy way to break things off. When you grow older you will find that the "truth" really does set you free. LIVE your life. Don't compromise yourself for anyone. 

XOXO Honey Bii

Black People

Where has our culture gone. What does it mean to be black to you?

XOXO Honey Bii

I Want To Focus On Me

Dear Honey Bii,

I'm 24 yrs young and I am now home on the west coast after being away for 4yrs (I'm a Navy veteran). The woman that I have had an on again off again relationship with since I was 17 is now living in another state with an ex girlfriend and I'm more than fine with that, but the problem I'm having is she wants to get back together. And I know eventually we will but right now I wanna focus on me and the things I need to do before I enter into a relationship. How do I explain that to her without making it seem like we're over forever?  

Hey. Thank you for sharing. 

To be honest, I think that it is over between the two of you. I think that women have the tendency to hold on too long. Probably because we form great friendships outside of a romantic relationship....

Getting to the point, I don't think that you could ask her to wait on you to figure yourself out without making her feel like she is on the back burner. What exactly do you need to figure out? Also, how are you ok with her living with her "ex". Seems to me that you are detached emotionally from her.
 

XOXO Honey Bii

Homosexuality In The Bible

Here are my personal opinions of Homosexuality in the Bible.

XOXO Honey Bii 

Studs Dating Fem Guys and Transsexuals

Hey Honey Bii,

Hi I'm one of your subscribers from youtube. I think you are a great person that has a humble soul I don't know if you can ask me this question or not but I live in ATL... Why is it that I see A LOT of Studs dating fem gay guys and transsexuals? Is this a trend? Or is a new version of sexuality? IDK I've just never seen this before. I've asked you because you have more insight than I do.

Hey there! That is a very interesting relationship dynamic. I haven't seen a lot of that to be honest. If I could take a guess at it, I think that they are enabling each other. Meaning, they are allowed to switch "roles" and still be in a heterosexual relationship. For example, if the stud wants to dominate the relationship but does not want to date women then she would turn to a gay submissive man for that satisfaction. Vice versa for the submissive gay man.
 

Honey Bii

What you say sounds like they might be enabling each other. That's make a lot of sense. Well, I've heard that they don't really switch roles I've heard that the fem gay guys are the ones to get strapped. I've asked that question because I've been seeing that a lot here in the ATL. I've looked for it on youtube and I found a lot of people been seeing that. I knew I wasn't losing my mind.

Thanks for answering my question

Switch roles meaning the dude gets strapped and the female is the dominant one. Exactly. They get the best of both worlds. 

Honey Bii

Lol WOW

I would say my relationship with my girlfriend is different as well because she's a transsexual woman, and we don't 'switch roles.' I'm the man and she's the woman. Most people don't understand our relationship. I consider myself a straight guy because I'm attracted to women and trans women and not men & masculinity. To me, if a man is attracted to masculinity he's gay rather than genitalia to me, and vice versa. I know people will still label me as gay though, but not necessarily because most people see us as a straight couple when we are together. I know it's kinda complicated. 

Thanks for sharing. You do have a unique relationship. It's great that you don't get to caught up on labels. Do whatever makes you happy. Love has no sexuality or is specific to a gender. 

XOXO Honey Bii 

She Has A 10 Year Old Son

Should I stay or leave?

Hey there,
I am such a supporter..you rockkkk..

a few questions..
- what do you do when a girl you've been talking to and really like for about 3 months..but she has no time for you because of her son (who is about 10yrs old) and shes a single mom....She has stood me up several times and Ive forgiven her, but im getting so discouraged, because I really like her, but not sure how much more I can take..what do you do, do you wait around and see if shes ever gonna have time for me or something else? I need your help!


Thanks so much for taking out time to help viewers like me

People make time for the things that are important to them. With that being said, don't think that you can come and automatically change their routine, Imagine if everyone that she dated she let change the lifestyle that she is creating for her son. I take that you are not a mother. I am not as well.

It is really important that you take the time to get to know this woman 100%. Her child is a major part of her.

Now to the question that is being asked... Should you leave/stay? I think that you should date casually, I understand that she has to make time for her son, but she also has to cater to your needs. It is unacceptable to be continually stood up. On the other hand you let her. You are setting a standard for how you want to be treated. Seeing someone for 3 months is a short time. Either is works or it does not. This is still supposed to be the honeymoon stage for the both of you. We have to learn to let go of unhealthy relationships.


XOXO Honey Bii 

Stay Out Of Your Friends Business

Dear Honey Bii,

Hope you are well. I have found your question/answer videos very insightful in the past, so thought why not write you with an issue my friend is having because I am at a loss of what to do. For the past two years, one of my closest friends (who self-identifies as a lesbian/hard stud) has been in a relationship with a woman who claims she is bisexual, but in my opinion is simply straight and sexually open when it benefits her. I hate identifying for others, but as a queer woman myself I take great offense to straight women who say they are bisexual, but will never be in a relationship with another woman or treat another woman with the same respect/boundaries with which they treat men who are interested/pursuing them. Basically, what it comes down to is this straight woman tells my friend that she is in love with her and they are best friends (that occasionally sleep together), but then is still actively looking for a man and sleeps with lots of men. She refuses to admit that my friend and her are in any sort of relationship, and has even told people that my friend is a 'crazy lesbian' at times in order to make it seem that their 'relationship' is all in my friend's head. This woman acts possessive and jealous of my friend and gets made if she is not prioritized- she calls my friend numerous times throughout the day just to say she loves her, even when she is on dates with men or has just slept with them. She also has accepted money and childcare on a regular basis from my friend and gets mad when my friend is unable to support her or help her out financially. Besides that, she always writes loves notes on her facebook and other public pages to make her presence known. Needless to say all of this is preventing my friend from meeting new women who are actually interested in dating her and not just using her.

This whole mess has been going on for two years and it has made my friend depressed, insecure, and a pretty un-fun person. She will have two week periods where she is fed-up and tries to break away from this straight woman, but then the woman will call her sobbing saying she misses her friendship and can't they just be friends. They will become 'friends' again and then if my friend doesn't show her enough attention the woman will sleep with her to basically reel her back in (in my opinion). I don't know if this woman is simply ridiculously insecure or manipulative or both, but at this point I do not care. No grown person, no matter how confused or unhappy they are with their own life should be able to treat another person as she does my friend. That being said, no adult should allow another person to use them so blatantly for years.

I don't know what, if anything, I can do. Me and her other close friends have tried to get some sense into her head, but she keeps going back to this woman no matter how awful she is treated. I tried to be supportive and just listen to my friend when she was upset time and time again, then I tried being honest and letting her know that after a certain point she really could only blame herself because this straight woman has been consistent and she is allowing herself to be used, but it has been two years and it is still happening! I know its harder when you are in these sort of situations, but this woman has never, and will never, actually date my friend and my friend is very traditional in that she wants a monogamous wife one day. What, if anything, can I say or do? I wish it didn't bother me so much, because i know adults need to be able to lead their own lives, but my friend has become obsessed and depressed and is no longer the great woman she was before getting involved in this whole mess. At times I wonder if we can still be good friends, which I know is shitty, but the whole situation is beyond ridiculous and I am losing respect for my friend which makes me feel guilty.

Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you!

XOXO Honey Bii 

I Think My Girlfriend Is Cheating

OK I'm 32 w/ kids she is 31w/ kids we all live in the same house. Were two femms more so me she is. A very soft stud so she attracts a lot of woman OK right in the middle of our relationship when things were great she would take me and the kids out often buy me gifts random then she took a seasonal job @around Christmas time it was all good until she begin to literally sleep with her phone I brought her so I took a look @the bill just to find out that she was texting this young lady who she claim to have went to school with so. I Checked it out it was a lie so every since then I have been up tight when she leaves or is on _the. Phone there has been more then one incident with this same girl emails and secret meetings @ her Best friends house which makes me not trust her best friend now plus she's not gay and she always have something negative to say when we argue and my girl doesn't seem to think that's a problem that I don't really have anyone to vent _to because all my friends are single and straight so the frustration is heavy I recently packed up and left but two days later I'm back but it feels so strange we are not into each other like we were she's always on the phone with high-school friends I never met. Or online talking is almost nonexistent I love her and really want to fix things but when I watch your videos I just feel its over does she still want me ? oh and I have only been with two other woman sexually only but after dating her I'm not wanting to be with men any more but that's all that hit on me help honey BII plz

Honey B wrote:

Give me more information about the situation. What happened? What are your prior trust issues. I look forward from hearing from you :)
XOXO Honey Bii

Hi I really enjoy ur u tube videos and want to know how to forgive my partner.
Of 2 1/2 yrs for an alledge affair I haven't yet proved she cheated but I love
her and yes this is my first live in relationship with a woman I wanna move out
and get my own place but afraid because of the prior trust issues.

XOXO Honey Bii 

22 And Confused

Letter from a Bii-Liever. 


I just turned 22 n I'm still living with my mom. I've been sheltered my entire life and I feel like its time for me to move forward in life instead of staying stuck like I am,plus my mom hates that I like women. Most of my friends are gay, but I don't hang with them because of her. I mean I could but when I come back home I still gotta hear her mouth and I hate it ugh! I'm also conflicted with the fact that I love women and I'm also a Christian. Please help me. I just don't know what to do it's so confusing and hard. I have not been in a relationship since 2008. My first love broke my heart and now it's like anybody else for dumb stupid reason, I compare them to her. Ugh. It's crazy because my mom liked my girlfriend until I told her she was my gf. Please if you can help me to figure out what I should do?

Peace and Love


I want to first state that being open with your sexuality can be quite challenging. I commend the effort that you have taken to be yourself.

When it comes to parents, it is a difficult situation to deal with. Parents for the most part want the best for their children. With that being said, it is your life to live. I would start off by living on your own. It is easier for someone to have control over your life when they are providing for you. We have all heard the saying, "If you in my house, you go by my rules."

The next step that I would take is to have an open discussion with your mom. Let her know that you are serious and need not only to be heard, but to be listened to. If you are uncomfortable with pulling her aside then write a letter. I would state to her that this is the last time that you are going to explain your sexuality to her. Either she is going to support you or not. No "ifs", "ands", or "buts". If she wants to have an open loving relatinship with you then she needs to recognize this part of your life as well.

You can view a video blog that I did on Christianity on my page. That is an entire discussion on its own. I included it for you.

In conclusion, remember that you are only 22. You have years to figure out relationship issues. Take it one day at a time. There is somebody out there for everyone. Make sure that whoever you are with is open with their sexuality, loving, and makes you feel positive when you are with them.


XOXO Honey Bii