Transman

Hi, Honey Bii!

I'm not sure how yours or Renata's transition was in post-coming out phase and maybe/not you can relate.  I'm confused because I've been attracted to femmes and studs. I had been a tomboy growing up, but during my college years when I moved close to religious high-rolling pentecostal fam, I was more or less guilt tripped into becoming and dressing "ladylike"...so I did what I was told b/c I want to be a good Christian woman.  Half way in college, I said screw it and left the scene as I was becoming depressed and felt condemned.  I don't really identify as femme but i also lack the "stud presence"/personality.  Anyhow, I met one particular stud (who is now a Trans man) in my college that totally turned my head &  feelings upside down. I deeply admired the masculinity he expressed, and I craved to express my own female masculinity just as  good.  And it was almost like love at first sight, although I quickly deducted that the person was emotionally insecure with codependent tendencies that prompted everyone around him (even to this day) to constantly affirm their affection and admiration for him and everything he does. That part was a huge turn off because I love strong personalities, people who are confident and able to formulate their own thoughts and convictions. I saw none of that in him; in fact, he was more interested in himself and the amount of attention he gets than to be interested in important issues like politics, etc. Fast forward to now: I've graduated few years back and trying to figure out my lgbt identity.  A common friend on fB posted a picture of the two of them and the moment I saw his face, the butterflies came back. I know that being together isn't an option, and even if it were, I can't handle his lack of dept and I could never see myself with him. Knowing this, I don't understand how and what I feel for the person. Funny thing, he gives me a flashback of the Jocks from high school, the perpetual immature ppl who live in a bubble of perceived popularity and nothing more. I couldn't stand those kids back then or now. So, I'm thinking that in my post-coming out phase, I immediately went back to that space that harbors undefined emotions for him, forcing me to ask more questions about my own identity and the kind of person I want to be with. I'm confused... what is it that I'm missing here? Sorry for the long winded questions. Where do I go from here in terms of self definition and what's these things I feel about this person?

Hugs,

Wow! You have a story to tell. Thank you for taking the time to share. 

This is what I know for sure... We are the only creatures on Earth who do not follow their instincts. For example, all animals in nature RUN away from danger yet humans WELCOME it. If you know that you cannot fully accept this person, then why torment yourself? It seems like an infatuation. You can name many things that turn you off. Keep this in mind, all of the things that you dislike about her makes her comfortable and she should be able to express herself however she wants. Your judgement/ instincts should be listened to. 

I think that you need to work on yourself before you can be with anyone fully. There is no greater love that you can get anywhere else. Don't be so caught up on labels and definitions on what you should be. You can only do yourself unjust if you continue to do so. It is totally normal to be attracted to "femmes" and "studs". At the end of the day we are all women. 

I hope that this helps some. 

 

XOXO Honey Bii