Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Stay Out Of Your Friends Business

Dear Honey Bii,

Hope you are well. I have found your question/answer videos very insightful in the past, so thought why not write you with an issue my friend is having because I am at a loss of what to do. For the past two years, one of my closest friends (who self-identifies as a lesbian/hard stud) has been in a relationship with a woman who claims she is bisexual, but in my opinion is simply straight and sexually open when it benefits her. I hate identifying for others, but as a queer woman myself I take great offense to straight women who say they are bisexual, but will never be in a relationship with another woman or treat another woman with the same respect/boundaries with which they treat men who are interested/pursuing them. Basically, what it comes down to is this straight woman tells my friend that she is in love with her and they are best friends (that occasionally sleep together), but then is still actively looking for a man and sleeps with lots of men. She refuses to admit that my friend and her are in any sort of relationship, and has even told people that my friend is a 'crazy lesbian' at times in order to make it seem that their 'relationship' is all in my friend's head. This woman acts possessive and jealous of my friend and gets made if she is not prioritized- she calls my friend numerous times throughout the day just to say she loves her, even when she is on dates with men or has just slept with them. She also has accepted money and childcare on a regular basis from my friend and gets mad when my friend is unable to support her or help her out financially. Besides that, she always writes loves notes on her facebook and other public pages to make her presence known. Needless to say all of this is preventing my friend from meeting new women who are actually interested in dating her and not just using her.

This whole mess has been going on for two years and it has made my friend depressed, insecure, and a pretty un-fun person. She will have two week periods where she is fed-up and tries to break away from this straight woman, but then the woman will call her sobbing saying she misses her friendship and can't they just be friends. They will become 'friends' again and then if my friend doesn't show her enough attention the woman will sleep with her to basically reel her back in (in my opinion). I don't know if this woman is simply ridiculously insecure or manipulative or both, but at this point I do not care. No grown person, no matter how confused or unhappy they are with their own life should be able to treat another person as she does my friend. That being said, no adult should allow another person to use them so blatantly for years.

I don't know what, if anything, I can do. Me and her other close friends have tried to get some sense into her head, but she keeps going back to this woman no matter how awful she is treated. I tried to be supportive and just listen to my friend when she was upset time and time again, then I tried being honest and letting her know that after a certain point she really could only blame herself because this straight woman has been consistent and she is allowing herself to be used, but it has been two years and it is still happening! I know its harder when you are in these sort of situations, but this woman has never, and will never, actually date my friend and my friend is very traditional in that she wants a monogamous wife one day. What, if anything, can I say or do? I wish it didn't bother me so much, because i know adults need to be able to lead their own lives, but my friend has become obsessed and depressed and is no longer the great woman she was before getting involved in this whole mess. At times I wonder if we can still be good friends, which I know is shitty, but the whole situation is beyond ridiculous and I am losing respect for my friend which makes me feel guilty.

Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you!

XOXO Honey Bii 

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