Dear Honey B, Day 4
To do List
I know you suggested that I be all zen, while I release J, but clearly that has not worked in the last few years so I’m going to try something different. I am going to publicly process my anger (the second stage of grief) and then work my way up to the final stage (i.e. acceptance-zen-release). Why grief, well because that is what I need to do. I lost J, not to death but death in my life and the life we had planned.When you publicly requested that I release him I was humiliated and enraged. I damn near threw my computer across the room after I read the first line and then cursed you (Honey B) for bringing it up in this forum. I mean this experiment is suppose to be fun. Why are you having me deal with this stuff… tear tear shaking shaking rolling tears. Gasp!!!! However, what is beautiful about your request is that I can't be in denial (first stage) anymore and I've moved forward to anger (second stage whop whop!)
I guess a little background is in order so here goes: Boy meets girl. Boy and girl date and enjoy magical experiences together. Boy supports girl. Girl supports boy. Two happy years pass. Then boy leaves girl without a single word.
Now that you know what happened lets move forward to an important truth.That is, I never really ever got mad at J for leaving. I mean sure I was disappointed and hurt. But never not once have I been angry with him. And because I never got angry I never disconnected from him or said NO! STOP! ENOUGH! Anger helps us all to say STOP this is enough. Anger unexpressed however always (yes always) leads to depression (i.e. anger turned inward on yourself). I hadn’t considered myself depressed because I wasn’t medicated but spiritually, mentally and physically I’m depressed*. I’ve depressed my faith, my action, and my body to the point that I’m not living free. So I’m going to follow your advice while I express out loud the second stage of grief so that I might lift myself out of this depressed state of being.
Onward with my anger…
Dear J,
FUCK YOU! I can’t fucking believe that you put me in this royally FUCK UP place. I fucking loath the day you entered my life with your smuge attitude and dorky demeanor. Sometimes I wish extreme amounts of hardship and heartache on your life but then I stop myself and remember that the pain of being you…. Waking up everyday and living you… looking in the mirror and seeing you… and walking around as you is pain enough because at the end of the day you ain’t shit. Yeah I said ain’t with my two-degree having ass. YOU AIN’T SHIT!!!!! One day you’ll amount to something but for right now YOU AIN’T SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Being the BIG PIECE OF SHIT that you are, my judgment must have been severely clouded the day I let you into my life. Because… you are weak, self-righteous, and full of shit! Plus, you can’t protect me, OBVIOUSLY!!!!!! And just because your son’s mother is a fucking SOCIOPATH doesn’t take you off the hook for the fact that you didn’t protect me! Oh, leaving me was suppose to be your way to protect me… please cry me a FUCKING river weaksauce! Grab that BItCH by her throat and choke her till she understands that messing with other peoples lives is not okay! Better yet get your shit together well enough so you can eradicate her from your life. But no that would be to fucking easy huh?
Nope you chose instead to FUCKING DISAPPEAR, YOU FUCK FACE! What kind of cowardly-lion-Wizard-of-Oz-alternate-universe did I get myself trapped into with you? I HATE YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY SOUL FOR THIS! This one conscious action. Your Wesley Snipes-Sanaa Lathan disappearing act is the FUCKING reason why I can’t seem to let your wretched as go. Because it boggles my fucking mind that you could know my deepest, darkest, private everything… and demonstrate it in a single act of I-don’t-give-a-flying-fuck-about Free_Flowers’s fears, hopes, or dreams. FUCK YOU…You mutherfucker you. I FUCKING HATE YOUR ASS WITH A FIERCE KIND OF PASSION.
Because of you I don’t, won’t, can’t trust others. Because of you I run around signing myself up for experiments and shit just to get my fucking hope back! Because of you I let that BITCH (REINE) come in and squat right smack in the middle of my life. Because of you I’ve become a MUTHA-FUCKING FOOL!
I don’t need this shit in my life.
It’s over asshole… its so over we need a new word for this shit…how about FUCK YOU!!Truly,
Anger Free_Flowers
Oh yeah… and I hope she cheats on you with a basketball playa *marsha ambriosu and gives you gonorrhea so you burn from the inside out for a least 10 days! Asshole!
*Please note I did not say clinically depressed because this condition is very serious and requires immediate medical attention.
AND I QUOTE directly from Dear Honey B (Before day 1) from Free Flowers...
ReplyDelete"I am losing my perspective and fast approaching ghastly L words in my short 26 years… I’m lonely, lost, and a little unhappy.
Lonely in my relationships platonic and romantic. Lost in my vision, as I can’t seem to bring my dreams to reality. And a little unhappy because well those first two things are really important to me and I’m sucking at them right now!"
So yes. I brought up J. You don't get to decided how this experiment is conducted!
With that being said YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!!! From the bottom of my heart I am so proud of you. I have never seen this side before. I have always got surface level answers to questions. Not once have your expressed your anger.
Pay attention people. This is profound. Not only has this woman freed herself from the anger that she had inside of her, she recognized for the first time that it is ok to be angry. Why not??? We get angry over the smallest things all the time. So why can't we express anger in relationships without being judged!? It is a part of who we are.
Today marks a day that a major accomplishment has been made. Now we can truly move forward with being happy. The kind of happy that you were talking about wanting. You have it now. It is all in your hands. Look at all the wonderful things that you have done "so far".
wow this is amazing what you're doing Honey Bii, Free Flowers is continuing to blossom right before our eyes in a matter of days. Looking at anger in this way is so profound, I think we're judged for anger because it means we let someone get to us or get us "in our feelings"., but whats wrong with healthy anger. Its like admitting the anger is one of the first steps to getting to a solution. I'm so proud of you for admitting your anger about J, you have every right to be. Powerful stuff going on in this blog, bravo ladies!
ReplyDeletePowerful and slap-your-mama funny all at the same time. Thank you for your candor. Still laughing at: "I hope she cheats on you with a basketball playa *marsha ambriosu and gives you gonorrhea so you burn from the inside out for a least 10 days"
ReplyDeleteI appreciated this post because I was always taught that a 'real' lady (not to mention Chritian ladies) don't get angry. Instead, they should remain poised and unaffected by others' carelessness and disrespect. I realized that my anger is less about the offending party and more about acknowledging me. When I hid and/or denied my anger it was to prove that I am more mature and over 'it'. When I'm real about my anger, I'm standing in my own power. Each time that I've taken the high road and 'kept it moving' with no acknowledement of my own anger, I've ended up playing the fool and let me tell you, 'Fool' doesn't fit me well. I'm too cute for that look. I've turned over a new leaf and will gladly warn any man, woman or child to never let this soft/lady-like/proper/polite/educated/generous/lighthearted/sweet image fool you! I will show up and show out when push comes to smack!
this was wickedly funny, heart felt, and the unconceivable...but tt was definitley needed to FREE FLOWERS........I love this post...A-MAZING! i almost teary eyed at the end, but then laughed on the gonnoreah part....awe man is all I can say...totally almost wet my pants!
ReplyDelete